How to Get Laid

[spiderplanet]

If you've followed my writing in previous forums, you've seen this already. Probably more than once. This was originally written in 2006, expanded upon in 2009. The only recent changes have been for some language clarification.

It's called How to get laid. Ahem.



How to Get Laid

• Have a life. Be interesting. Learn something, develop a hobby, volunteer... whatever. This is not a "put yourself out there" sort of thing, this is about developing a sense of self-worth and being interesting enough to carry on a conversation. Develop your intellect and your creativity as if you're worth something. Waiting by the phone is not a hobby.
  
  
• Understand that there's not really anything wrong with you. If a potential date thinks that you're too loud, too quiet, too skinny, too fat, too opinionated, too spineless, too nice, too mean... it's probably because the two of you aren't a good fit for each other, not because your potential date is superior or inferior to you.
  
  If you have any friends at all, then you are tolerable to someone. There is *no one* who is too physically unappealing, too mean, or too stupid to find a sexual relationship. Ugly, mean, stupid people fuck all the time. Jerry Springer used to host a nightly documentary series about that topic.
  
  
• Understand that not having a relationship is better than a having a relationship with someone who doesn't like you. If you think your self esteem is suffering because you don't have a significant other, take a guess what it's going to be like after spending lots of time with someone who hates you.
  
  In the same light, don't date people who hate themselves, and don't try to convince your date that you are deserving of pity. Eventually the two of you will break up over a significant difference of opinion, or worse yet, you'll come to agree with one another.
  
  
• Accept that you cannot convince people to have sex with you just by being extra-super-nice to them. A potential sex partner will like you based on your personality, your intelligence, your sense of humor, your physical attributes, or the way that you treat other people - but never, ever, EVER based on your obsequiousness. Toadying is endearing to no one.
  
  
• Shut up about your ex already. Everyone gets to have exactly ONE "psycho ex.” He pawned your stereo for drug money, she slept with your best friend, somebody ate the last Hydrox... A series of horrible and degrading events happened and it was all your date's fault.
  
  Fine. That relationship had better be done and over early in your dating career. After that, you get equal ownership for every horrible mishap of a relationship. Constantly complaining about all of your evil ex-bed partners is not enthralling, and people are bound to notice who the common factor is in every ugly mess you describe.
  
  Conversely, if your ex was the most brilliant and wonderful person in the history of dating, your new date doesn't want to hear about it.
  
  
• Realize that everyone's got quirks, especially you. Perhaps your date talks endlessly about his/her RPG character, or perhaps your date thinks that collecting comic books is a silly waste of your time. Assume that you will never be able to correct your date, same as you wouldn't want to be corrected. Decide if it's a trait that you can tolerate and plan accordingly. If you're lucky, your date is cheerfully putting up with your grotesque and unspeakably bizarre quirks as well.
  
  
• Have sex when you want to. Your body is not a trophy, and neither is anyone else's. There is no numbered date upon which you are supposed to engage in sexual intercourse. Anyone who withholds or dispenses sex in order to gain access to emotions is a sick fuck, because people are not sex dispensaries. Anyone who labels another person a "slut" or a "prude" because they have not timed their sex life to conform to a standard is also a sick fuck.
  
  
• Ignorance is not generally regarded as a noble or virtuous trait. Ignorance about sex and sexuality is also neither noble nor virtuous. In order for one to recognize the risks and responsibilities of sex, one has to admit that there is sex. In the same light, do not date people who avoid honesty regarding sex.
  
  Admit it when you're having sex. Oral sex is sex. Anal sex is sex. Anal sex and oral sex are not a way to maintain one's virginity. There is no medical definition for virginity because the concept is nonsensical.
  
  
• Do not treat people as if they are property. You have no ownership rights to your date, and that person has none for you. Determine your own needs and limits and communicate them, and figure out how your date feels about that. Some people feel betrayed when their significant other sees a movie with someone else, others are open to multiple physical and emotional relationships. You are not entitled to write the rules for someone else's life, but you are entitled to know what the rules are.
  
  
• Establish what's acceptable in a relationship for you, and figure out if that clicks with your ongoing date's needs and desires. Not communicating is not an excuse to do whatever you please without regard for someone else's feelings. If a person is worth your time, they're worthy of a conversation.
  
  
• Bullying is not the same as stating your needs, assenting is not the same as compromising. That one should be clear enough on it's own.